On Love and Sports

When the world started shutting down because of coronavirus, I received a panicked text from my husband saying “they are cancelling MLB”.

“Great.” I thought, “Maybe we can spend some real quality time together.”

I regret everything.

Two weeks in and I’m singing Adele songs while dreaming of ESPN SportsCenter in the shower.

It turns out our relationship was really thriving with a healthy dose of sportsball, beer, and chicken wings. There was something about yelling at strangers on TV and heartburn that brought us together. To keep the magic alive, we’ve tried the following as replacements for sports:

  • Ordering multiple orders of hand soap on Amazon and placing bets on which order is going to be cancelled due to “lack of availability”. (Pairs well with buffalo chicken dip)
  • Balancing ping pong balls on top of solo cups in the front yard and waiting for squirrels to knock them off. Bonus points if your ball gets knocked off by the rogue albino squirrel. He’s a sneaky bastard but he has a delicate touch. (Pairs well with a craft beer)
  • Watching the news on mute and getting into heated arguments over which newscaster is dressed the best. It turns out I have very strong opinions about tweed. (Pairs well with whiskey)
  • Monitoring each other’s water intake by tallying the number of glasses we have had each day on a giant whiteboard in the living room and getting weirdly competitive about peeing. (Pairs well with water)
  • Placing enormously large bets of toilet paper rations on which political figure is going to test positive for COVID-19 next and then going double or nothing on if their public address will include the phrase “mild symptoms” or “thoughts and prayers”. (Pairs well with a plate of nachos)
  • Timing my dog’s speed from one end of the hallway to the other as she runs for a biscuit. She’s 13 years old and really out of shape so this one kinda sucks. (Pairs well with margaritas)
  • Going for a walk when thunderstorms are pending, then trying to make it home in time to close the windows. We call this one storm pacing. (Pairs well with Red Bull)
  • Creating a sticker chart for days that we made it past 3 pm without a “desk beer”.(Pairs well with a “desk beer”)
  • Placing over/under wagers and timing the minutes of silence between our neighbor’s dog losing its shit over the squirrels and the ping pong balls. (Pair well with french fries and whatever is left in your freezer at this point)
  • Shotgunning White Claws. (Pairs well with Tylenol)

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