There are a lot of things that I have learned in the last year (plus), one of those things being that I can rarely leave a depressing blog post up by it’s lonesome for more than 24 hours. It makes me itchy. I, unfortunately, have nothing hilarious to write about, except maybe the kindergarten yoga I witnessed today and possibly the adult yoga I’m going to participate in later (though honestly I hope that it will be more therapeutic than hilarious). So instead I’ll post something I wrote awhile ago, because Kelly and I are horrifically gross and in love and I’m sad that she has the flu and I said I would save this for one day when she wasn’t drowning in grown-up life-dilemmas and other hyphenated atrocities:
Thank you Kelly for being the weirdest version of a friend for the past 5 years. I have no idea how to describe to anyone what you mean to me, except to say that I am Marley’s Kathy but I think that just confuses people more than it helps. We are irately frustrated with each other more often than is reasonable, but if you don’t text me every 30 minutes I legitimately think you are dead. I know you well enough that I can tell if you’re having a bad hair day by looking at what you’ve pinned that day on our creep-tastic Pinterest board. And you know every single thing about me, even things I wish you didn’t. You’re tough and cool, and tell me things I wish no one would ever tell me but sometimes it’s okay that you tell me those things because someone has to do it and this way I can never say “YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME!” and be mad at you for not telling me the thing that I wish you hadn’t told me. You’re always covering your bases. I think that’s great. The point is that I love you. And thank you for teaching me that I’m bad ass. And that I shouldn’t take shit from anyone. And that I deserve nothing but the best. I haven’t heard a word you’ve said but I promise that I have learned one thing:
First things primero, let’s not pretend that I use you for anything but to share pictures of pants I wish I looked good in and hilarious quotes with Kelly. I don’t don’t do fake, so I won’t fake it with you. If I tried to do everything you’ve ever suggested, I would have fried and crimped hair in a strange braid on top of my head, wear only wedding dresses to strangely themed cocktail parties and my entire collection of furniture would be re-purposed dressers and suitcases. But still, I feel like I will never stop using you because I rarely have the money to buy non-homemade gifts and from time to time it’s nice to spend a Friday night pretending I’ll ever be able to correctly apply makeup.
So, in order to keep things kosher (unlike a third of your recipes), let’s get a few things straight. I love you but….
-I will not ever do 100 squats in 100 days.
-I will not ever do 100 squats ever.
-I’m not getting married so I’m not sure I need to know alternative wedding gown colors.
-I like my running shoes, stop showing me better ones.
-I will never be into nail art.
-I do not condone nor appreciate you advertising “healthy recipes” that are really just regular food in half cup serving sizes. That’s not dinner. That’s not even a snack.
-I work in the non-profit sector. Please stop teasing me with things from Luluemon and Anthropologie. I can barely afford Target.
-$600 is completely unreasonable for a pair of leggings.
-I am not getting married so I could give two shits about your DIY center pieces (but please don’t stop showing me Lindsay’s because I do kinda care about those).
-It’s creepy that you know I like Kate Spade #getoutmyhead.
-I do not have children, I have nieces. So yes to the adorable gift ideas and ways to finger paint our way into an art museum, but a big solid “hell nah” to nipple cream and disposable diaper patterns.
-I don’t wear heels (not even when vacuuming like a good housewife) so if you’re going to suggest outfit ideas, I’m going to need you to step up your footwear game (but still quit it with the awesome running shoes).
-I am not getting married and I’m confused as to why people need so many cute ways to direct wedding guests to the bathroom
-Who leaves a bottle of wine unfinished? Save the decorative wine stoppers for those freaks.
If you’d like to continue this relationship, I’d like more information on the following so that Kelly and I can continue our strangely addicting wordless conversations through Pinterest pins:
-How to get my dog to stop eating my trash
-Ways to make it look like you give a shit when you’re wearing a t-shirt
-Legitimate ways to stop replacing meals with coffee
-More hilarious ways for Kelly and I to define our lives (see examples 1-26)
You’re super cool Kel. Feel better!