The other day when my iPad was dead, I thought to myself, “I want to rescue elephants.”
Of course that’s a ridiculous thought because there haven’t been any recent job postings in my zip code for Elephant Saviors, but none-the-less it was a thought that I had. Which led me to more thoughts, which led me to more thoughts (mainly about whales and other large mammals) which led me to thoughts about what I’m doing with my life. All of this because my iPad was dead and I couldn’t Google “Becoming an Elephant’s Hero”. Which led me to my second final thought…”How do I have more of these thoughts?” (directly following my first final thought which was, “What is the job title for people who save elephants?”).
So, the long and the short, here is the hair brained idea that came from this unfortunately very typical chain of thoughts. Jason (Jason being my man-friend) and I are going to pull a Beyonce. 30 days of no alcohol, no TV and a vegan diet. (And hopefully a lot of “Single Ladies“, amiright?)
I don’t know what we hope to obtain by this except that it seems like a fantastically hard challenge. I’m 26% opposed to writing about it because I think that it’s a bit of a faux pas and generally cocky to write about how strong-willed and “clean” you are. But I’m 79% sure our journey will be more about the hilarity of our weaknesses than any sort of horn tooting (note my ironic use of the word journey to make this more nauseating). I’m also 16% positive that I shouldn’t have graduated as a Math teacher…but that’s neither here nor anywhere.
I think the heart of the challenge lies in The Tri-fecta. I could totally eat like a vegan goddess and not watch TV for days on end, as long as I had good company and my cup was runneth over-ing in wine or Jackie O’s Mystic Mama. (Shout out to Jackie O’s. If I knew how to Twitter I would hashtag the shit out of you. Best. Beer. Ever.) I could also put down the bottle and burry my stress in ice-cream and mac and cheese like some sort of toddler gone wild, if, say, the nation reenacted prohibition. And of course, I’m terribly good at avoiding conversation and/or life with an episode or sixteen of “How I Met Your Mother”.
But to be honest, I don’t know what I’m going to do without all three for all of these days.
What a terribly American thing to say!
Which brings me to Jason.
Why are Jason and I doing this together?
Why does it have to be a nauseating couple’s thing?
Why can’t I just be a strong, independent woman, eating couscous on my own?
1) First and foremost because it’s nearly impossible to avoid the things you are trying to avoid, when the person you love is neck deep in cheese! (Also, Jason is a chef and I don’t know how to sauté things or make burgers out of beans without him).
2) Second, because both Jason and I have an unquenchable thirst to live outside of this state, nay, this country, and while we just can’t right now (parental duties and mortgages and whatnot) we can try to rid ourselves of the things that make us feel trapped here. (No. Not our kids or house…that’s ridiculous). I mean of course, our material things and luxuries. But I’m keeping my laptop, bro. Let’s not be silly!
3) And finally, because Jason and I are, in fact, nauseating. We don’t make a lot of sense as functioning adults, but we make so much more sense together. We support each other like the words “vehicular” and “manslaughter”.
For serious…when does anyone just say “vehicular”?
But that being said, that doesn’t mean that we don’t fall victim to the usual minor “depresh”. (I of course mean depression – and not the burry yourself in pillows kind but the we don’t hold hands because we’ve got a cheeseburger in one hand and a beer in the other kind. Or the don’t cuddle nearly as often because you’re starting to think that maybe you’re actually dating Dexter and you’re nervous kind. Or the you’ve run out of ways to plan an evening that isn’t completely dependent on the phrase “Where do you want to eat?” kind.)
My friends Jose and Derileek (names have been changed to protect their identity because they are a gay couple living in a red state) have jumped on board with The Tri-fecta too.
Side bar: I really don’t think that name is working. I also tried “Dry County Veganville” and “The One Where We Were Insane Temporarily” as titles for this challenge and they just don’t have the right pizazz. Suggestions welcome.
In any case, I really think Jose and Derileek’s challenge is going to be much more of a hoot than anything Jason and I will have to offer. Mostly because I’m pretty sure that even their dog drinks out of a martini glass. Also, I once asked Jose what his favorite element was and he said “vodka”. Not to mention, Derileek is from Kentucky (the Bourbon State) and has to deal with the repercussions of those roots on a daily basis (like having a cousin named Draino McClean-a-can. Real thing.) But the beauty of the whole challenge is that (ready for it to come full circle?) this “journey” will end with my visit to Jose and Derileek’s homey little red state (and of course plenty of martinis and cookies). Unless of course we find such inner peace that we never go back to our old ways and I end up living on a commune in the far East panhandling beaded bracelets.
Ugh! As if!
But for realz-ies. DISCLAIMER: I honestly don’t have a problem with any of these things. And by problem I mean sitting in a circle, close friends and family, intervention-needed problem. In general I just like meat and dairy and drinks and TV a lot. Well not really meat. But the rest, yea. In fact, probably a lot more than the average Joe. And yes, if we’re being honest, I would battle said Joe to the death for one or all of these things. If needed. Which some might point out is unhealthy but I will maintain (until Average J. prevails) as passion.
Besides, there are plenty of other things I could easily do if the world ran out of wine, cheese and Netflix streaming. And in case I forget once I’m in the haze of change, there is an ever growing list of things I want to do while desperately missing all of my favorite things in life:
–Go on hikes
–Kayak in my beautiful blue kayak
–Figure out how to tie my beautiful blue kayak to my car’s roof
–Do a puzzle
–Remember how to play Egyptian Rat Screw
–Beat Jason 12 times at Egyptian Rat Screw
–Sit outside with bug candles and listen to music
–Write about “our journey” and subtly hide nauseating phrases that will make most adults happy for me but make my friends wonder if I’ve gone off my rocker
–Finish my couch to 5k (or at least my couch to .5k)
–Learn all the real moves to “The Wobble”
–Cook with Chef Jason
–Find jobs related to saving elephants
I realize this is quite the challenge I have given myself, or ourselves rather, if we are including Jason, Jose and Derileek. My money is on Jason as the all-time winner. He’s tough. And also he can cheat really easily at work without me knowing. In any case, it’s going to be a rough ride. Not unlike Splash Mountain in the Magic Kingdom. It’s going to be terribly boring and/or insanely hilarious, eye-opening and frustrating. As my best friend Barney Stinson would say “Challenge Accepted“.(Okay maybe I do have a problem with too much TV. He, obviously, isn’t my best friend. I’m probably just in his Fave Five.)