On Love and Netflix

I’m going to let you know up front that only a third of this is true and even that part I wouldn’t put money on because studies show that 46.3% of memories are flawed.  Although they also say that 35% of statistics are made up.  In conclusion, don’t be surprised if I ever become rich and famous and it comes out that I am not actually friends with Kim Kardashian, I don’t really drive a horse and buggy to save on gas and I never really ran away to join the circus (though I did attempt a cartwheel once, soooo…)

Onto what is on everyone’s mind.

Netflix.

I’m beginning to wonder about our relationship.

My mom and dad bought me a subscription for Christmas, shortly after a breakup with my cable provider.  After rating just 141 movies on a five-star rating system, Netflix has decided that I am most interested in “violent comedies” and movies starring Gerard Butler.  Now I don’t entirely disagree.  Gerard is one hunky piece of man meat when he stabs that guy with a spork in Law Abiding Citizen but I just really feel like that is an overly specific evaluation for a movie renting website.    I already feel as though I am continually being categorized through a million outlets like Facebook, Twitter and AA; I think it’s almost unfair that my video supplier has determined the right to place judgment on me too.

Point in case…Case in point: I gave “When Harry Met Sally” a much deserved five star rating and Netflix accused me of enjoying “sappy, love stories”.  Anyone who knows me knows that is complete bullshit.  Or at least that I would never let anyone label me that way without a fight.  If someone told me they liked “Harry and Sally” I would have quickly determined they thoroughly enjoyed “quick wit and hilarious banter”, but Netflix doesn’t let you decide your reasoning for liking a film.   Oh and that’s not all.  Not only is Netflix being unbelievably selfish choosing it’s own classification system to suit it’s needs, it is also predetermining what sort of films I should have seen.  I gave “The Labyrinth” a 7-year-old reminiscent 3-star rating, but only because Netflix asked.  I didn’t search out the film and rate it as a favorite.  Now Netflix thinks I have a dark side and a fetish for cult children’s films and has begun suggesting movies such as “The Nightmare Before Christmas”, “The Dark Crystal” and “Saw III”.

And then there’s the “Recently Watched” thing it does when it’s mad at me.  Hanging my previously viewed films out with the dirty laundry.  I could have gone my whole life without anyone knowing that I had watched not one, but two Amanda Bynes movies.  I don’t spend my days telling everyone about Netflix’s embarrassing moments.  Like when it got stuck on the buffering screen and I had to restart my PS3.  Or when it drunkenly recommended I watch The Majestic and I wasted 152 minutes of life.  So why does it have to show everyone my mistakes?  I’m only human.  I wish there was a “Look How Smart and Cool  (and pretty) I am Category” that went right on top instead.  Of course, lets be honest, that’s what your queue is for.  I fill mine with all sorts of documentaries so I look well rounded and throw in a few cult films that make people say “I LOVE that movie!”  It’s a good pick me up after it’s been revealed that I watched “Swamp People” and “Toddlers in Tiaras”.  At least Netflix can’t tell anyone how many cookies I ate simultaneously.

If this type of behavior doesn’t change soon, I’m breaking up with my Netflix account and going back to Blockbuster where they only judge you through late fees and make you feel uncomfortable with their sad “we’re bankrupt” looks when you only get one movie.  There just isn’t room for that kind of harsh, critical judgment in my life.  After all, we just met.  And how well can you REALLY know someone through the internet?

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